I tend to feel things in extremes. When I started this program, I was excited–super excited. I loved how new everything was. I loved getting to know everyone and staying up until the early hours of the morning talking–we talked about anything and everything because we just didn’t know one another quite yet. I felt lucky because my transition into this program, the living situation, my job, my friends, all of it came easy to me. It felt great.
Things are still good, but with time my mentality has shifted. Things feel more comfortable now, almost complacent. Work is steady, friends are consistent, the weeks keep flying by, and I’ve found myself in a bit of a rut. This year more than ever I’ve recognized that I’m a person who often confuses happiness with excitement; I love having things to look forward to, and the whole “mindfulness/living in the moment” thing is hard for me. Come to think of it, that’s probably one of the reasons yoga is so challenging… maybe I should keep up with that. Anyway, due to this fear of being stuck, this week I’ve started thinking about my classes for next semester and plans to study abroad. On one hand, doing this makes me excited for the future and as my mom would say, like I’M the director of the movie that is my life. On the other hand, I’m scared of this program coming to an end and looking back feeling like it was all a blur.
I guess what I’m coming to realize is that there’s no such thing as living ideally. Once I found out I got into this program, back during second semester, I started making big plans for my summer. Goals of reading, practicing guitar, working out, and getting 8 hours of sleep every day/night… I’m not quite there. Now as this program is approaching its end, I’m making similar plans for the month of August and fall semester. I want to stop doing that; I want to be here and enjoy the time in this program that I honestly feel very lucky to be a part of. I guess my conclusion is I’ve got some work to do, but I’m lucky that I have the opportunity to do it while I’m still young.
